My first born is going to high school.
This comes as no surprise to me, naturally, as I was there when he came into the world--and I've been keeping tabs on his age ever since. So, I've expected this for quite some time now.
There is no question that he'll do well there. He's loved school since he was little, and has never been one to need any prodding to do his work. He's naturally curious, wonderfully creative and amazing to talk to. I really like the guy.
Last night we enjoyed the final music concert of his k-8 career. He's a comfortable singer--he's there, in the back row (taller than most in the class), with an actual expression on his face while he sings. This is rare for his age-group; it must not be cool to express yourself while singing in public (however, with your friends, it's another story. By the way, do they think we don't know they do that sort of thing?). He's also an accomplished percussionist. It was fun watching him stroll around back there where they keep the percussionists--you know, behind the rest of the band--where he occasionally changed instruments and floated to and away from other band members' sides during the pieces they played. It looked like he was in charge back there.
After the concert was the traditional "8th Grade Slide Show". This is what everyone who attends my childrens' school looks forward to from the time they start kindergarden. It's meant to bring tears of sentimentality to all who hang around to enjoy it. A month, or so ago, we parents were asked to send the media guru at school a handful of baby/early school year photos. From these, he creates a work of art, set to tear-jerking music and the whole things comes together to form one big sob-fest. Last night's was no exception.
Understand that my son has had some tough years at this particular school. He's not really too upset to be moving on, let's just put it that way. He'll still be in school with these same classmates, but there will be another 325, or so, new people he'll be able to get to know over the next 4 years. He likes to meet new people. I'm excited for this next phase in his life.
Well, I certainly shed my requisite share of "Mom tears" last night. Seeing my beautiful boy's 'life-so-far' reduced to 5 pictures was too much--I might even call the feeling I had, daunting--not unlike the task of choosing them was. (The "media guru" I mentioned before told me one mother sent him 30 pictures. We were asked to pick FIVE. It was hard!). Yes, daunting--watching his few moments of the show made for an odd mix of happy plus sad, with some confusion (really? I knew he had changed, but REALLY? THAT much?) and protectiveness tossed-in --(Did they applaud and whoop as much for him as they had for the others whose pictures were before his? Do they like him as much as the other kids???). I was relieved when it was over.
So was he, I think. His little brother shot him a 'boy insult' the instant he caught-up to him afterward:
"Hey, you were CRYING, weren't you?!?" He probably did shed a tear, but I think, all things considered, he's done with this part of this life.
Since I kissed him goodbye that first day of kindergarden I knew that I'd be sitting there last night. I expected to feel more sadness...I expected to feel some "Wait! Slow down! I don't want this moment to end"- ish stuff. But I didn't. What's even more strange is that it didn't even occur to me that I didn't feel what I had thought I'd feel until hours later. Usually I am 'hyper-aware' of my thoughts and feelings. Usually, I decide how I should think, what I should say, and am positive about how I should feel under whatever circumstances I am anticipating encountering in any given situation. (Yes, I take medication...but, that's beside the point).
Anyway, I guess the point is, that I know he's ready and happy. That makes a mom like me Just Plain Content. "Content" was not one of the emotions I had decided I'd have at the 8th grade slide show. I was caught off guard by my own spontaneous feelings which must have finally had enough of the controlling part of me last night and thought: "The hell with it--we're taking this one on our own." I'm glad they did. And, truth be told, I think I'll be happy if they take the wheel more often from now on.
Epilogue:
The school year has begun and, as predicted, my son is loving his life! He's meeting new friends, and even is planning for his first dance. With a girl. Now THAT is something I'm SURE I'm not ready for--no question about my feelings around THIS topic...but, here we go...
