Dear "You-know-who-you-are",
Always most important, I love you.
When I first saw you, I fell in love. I'm the type who believes in stuff like that, you know, "love at first sight". In fact, before you, I was absolutely convinced--about 8 times--that I was "in love". I was wrong. I didn't know or understand love until you came along.
But I'm not going to waste time and space with an attempt to explain it. You and I have something between us that words can't touch.
Why write this via blog? I'm not sure...all I know is that I was taking a walk yesterday and suddenly felt like some part of me wanted to erupt with love for you! Keeping this inside or even keeping it intimate wouldn't be enough! I just have to do it this way. Precious things aren't necessarily always private, you know?
We've grown-up together. There's no doubt that you'll move on and away from me someday--sooner, rather than later--and I can't promise you that I'll help make it pretty when you do; in fact, I can pretty much guarantee that I'll make an embarrassing spectacle of myself. But I won't stop it from happening. I read something shortly after you came along that I tucked away in my memory, knowing I'd need to recall it many times throughout our relationship: "From the moment I first held you, I began the process of giving you to the world--of letting you go." The sharp, deep pain I felt upon reading those words was the knowledge that they were absolutely true.
Lately, you've made it clear that things are happening fast. We don't talk as much as we used to, we don't spend as much time together. You seem to think other people and things are more important than I am. We fight more.
But this might surprise you: All of that makes me happy! There is order in God's world (at least our little corner of it), and watching you pull away just assures me that all is going along as it's supposed to. True, we don't talk as much as we used to, but when we do talk, we still speak the same language--I still feel deeply connected by that forever brand of unnameable bonding (patent pending).
True, our time together isn't quantity time anymore--believe it or not, I used to get a little bored when we spent ALL of our time together! I used to PRAY for someone ELSE to talk to (your end of the conversation wasn't always as stimulating as it came to be with time). Our time together these days isn't even what I'd call "quality". Usually, we just co-exist, sometimes we even talk between two closed doors. Or we yell.
As we've gotten to know each other better, we've had to wage some major battles--sometimes as allies, sometimes enemies. Bipolar, bathing, bullies...we've screamed at (and with) each other over all of these and much more. I've hurt you. I'm sorry. You've hurt me. I forgive you. (That's an eternal forgiveness, by the way--as I've always said: nothing you do or could EVER, EVER do could make me mad enough to NOT forgive you!).
I know my unpredictability scares you, even if you can't admit it. (Ironically, it's one of the few consistencies in my personality!). I have a love/hate relationship with it, myself; it's spontaneous, but explosive. We've had to make silent agreements to accept it, though, haven't we? Reluctantly, daringly, you've done your best to love me through the worst of times. I have been Ugly (capitol U intended) when "the beast" has reared it's head, but you've slain that dragon for me many, MANY times with a mere,gentle stroke of my back and a wipe of my tears. You'll never know the comfort you've brought me without saying words. Your compassion shines. You have been a small, weak David against the Goliath that is MY RAGE: your slingshot: blind love.
As I've said, things are happening fast. You're moving on--in my core I feel it coming. How about we make a deal? I'll gladly give you whatever it is you need from me now, if you promise me one thing: you'll take along what I've already given you, too. Pinkie-swear?
"...let them tell me love's not worth going through!
If it all falls apart,
I will know deep in my heart:
the only dream that mattered had come true-- in this life, I was loved by you."
~ Mom
